01 Feb Who is She?
I look at these photos and am reminded of what blogging meant for me before I knew anything about the significance of hashtags, growing Instagram numbers or sponsorships. These aren’t old photos but they were taken after some hard wrestling with myself over whether or not I’m living my truth. Blogging intially enticed me because it provided a space for untapped creativity. Everyday individuals like you and I could now have a corner of the internet to be whoever and whatever we are and build communities from that. Personally, this was in part a space for sharing my affinity for pairing vintage and thrift finds with newer clothing. Some of my best pieces are vintage and were a considerable part of this blog until someone commenting something along the lines of “why even have a blog when we can’t even buy most of your pieces.”
This comment should’ve forged a dialogue but instead I let it silence me. I’m sure she meant no harm by her question but my insecurity generated ill feelings about the content I was producing. I thought, she’s right, everything I wear on here needs to be shoppable so I began to develop a distaste for being the woman who desires quality classic and/or unique pieces for a fraction of the price. I allowed myself to be swayed and wanted to love new clothes regardless of the price tag. These feelings were followed by me giving away a bunch of my vintage clothing and shooting my best shot at exclusively spending my dollar in mass production shops. I would never admit it at the time but I wanted to fit in with the other bloggers. It became less about who I am and more about what I thought people wanted me to be. I learned about what the popular bloggers did and tried to do that my way but really their way because I had to give up things about me to be like most of them… See how that can get confusing? In essence, I thought conformity would get people to like me only to end up publishing posts talking at you instead of with you because you’re still trying to figure who I even am.
I don’t know all the answers. I haven’t figured out exactly how to be in this space without giving into the pressures of becoming whatever I think is required to be liked but I know that it is a disservice to both myself and to you if I don’t give it a try. I don’t need popularity but crave meaningful conversation, I desire evolution but it needs to be natural for me. The past few months I’ve given out a lot of no’s in the realm of advertising and trust me, it hasn’t been easy. I say no because there shouldn’t be any collaboration or dollar amount powerful enough to get me to fib about who I am and what I endorse. Sadly, integrity can easily become compromised in this industry so it takes intention to keep saying no until my voice is clear. I love this space and would be a hypocrite if I said I didn’t care for the opportunities it has created for me but I can’t be here at the expense of loosing myself. If you don’t feel like you know me or can trust what I share here that is no one’s fault but my own and it is my responsibility to change it. So in this rainy season (as I have mentioned before) my life, my work, everything I create and affirm is being edited until it is completely authentic to me. Will you grow with me?
“Until you get very clear on what you want, you will get something that sorta-kinda-almost- but not quite meets it. Keep refining with each experience. It is creating clarity.”- H&DF magazine
All photos by Samuel Blot